Finding Greater Self-Alignment

Are you in a place in your life or career where you’ve checked all the prescribed boxes, yet you find yourself feeling unfulfilled, dissatisfied, or maybe even bored?

I’ve been there many times.

As a chronic overachiever and recovering people-pleaser, I have raced my way to the top of a goal only to find myself looking around asking, “is THIS it?”

If you’re experiencing this, I want to tell you that it’s not because you’re impatient, fickle, or difficult to please.

You’re simply misaligned. 

Best-selling author and coach Martha Beck has coined the terms “essential self” and “social self” to describe the two parts of ourselves we embody simultaneously as we move through the world.

The essential self is your true nature. It’s your childlike self. It comes alive when you do the things you feel pulled toward, the things you do just for fun. It’s who you are when no one else is watching. Your essential self comes alive with the interests you love and find energizing.  

You also have a social self that helps you manage and present yourself to the world. This is the part of you that has been trained to succeed by cultural standards, to be polite, to follow the rules, to fit in. Your social self is concerned with being good enough, and it may even seek perfection in the eyes of others.

While we need both our essential and social selves to be whole, many of us give too much weight to the social self at the expense of our essential self.

If you’re out of alignment with your essential self, you feel it. You may be exhausted, irritable, and have trouble sleeping. You may seek relief through substances or use distractions to help you numb out.

If you’d like to take a self-inventory of where you fall on the essential self/social self-spectrum, you can start by making a list of your actions over the past week or month. What did you spend the most time doing, who did you interact with, and where did you spend your time? Alongside each of these responses, write the predominate feeling that came up. Pay close attention to what feels draining and what feels joyful and energizing.

Looking at your list, what percentage of your life now would you say is aligned with your essential self? What percentage are you giving to your social self? Are you happy with the balance or is there a shift you’d like to make?

If you’d like help getting into deeper alignment, I am here for you. Email coaching@robynneweaver.com and let’s get to the work of YOU.